You know how every moment is documented into a book. You thought you got over that incident but actually you only closed that one chapter. Sometimes, some day, when you turn and flip back, be it by accident or on purpose, the feelings linger in the air and it seems as though you are experiencing it again. It is not a bad thing, you learn, you breathe, you grow. But some day as you sit back and ponder about how to continue walking, you would realize how much you have been through, and how much they have shaped you.
You may regret, or you may be relieved. Be relieved that you ended the chapter there, or regret not adding in a twist. But in the end, those chapters have been closed and made up a chunk of your life story.
I was looking back, just casually scrolling back all my screenshots, and yes. Part of me was really glad i saved these memories, for it was the essence of that particular chapter. The other part of me cringed hard at how naive I was. I pondered if I really grew from it, or am I still as naive, and probably a few months later I would look back on today and laugh again.
You will not realize how crazy everything is when you're experiencing it. I only realized everything now. Today, I'm really glad the me few months ago decided to close that chapter.
I may still feel a surge of emotions when those memories are triggered, but I am so much stronger now. I am so glad for all those memories, that got written and added into my interesting book. I'm thankful for every moments. I cannot guarantee I will remember all of them, or if I would even flip back to that chapter, but I know it has made me grown in a way. Made me more mature, made me stronger, made me experienced more.
Now, I feel like the tides have totally changed. I hope nobody would be hurt by me, nobody would cry. The shield I've built is sturdy and strong, so nobody can break through easily. I meant for it to be that way. I believe right now, it's the chapter of self-healing, of self-love, and self-appreciation. This is my chapter of finding my inner self, my inner peace, and my inner voice. Soon, when the time is right, a new chapter would begin, and many more awaits me.
I just want to put a reminder, that you are not alone. For any readers, most probably to my future self, no matter what you are experiencing, you are not alone. I've felt loneliness in my previous chapter. I know the feeling. It's so cold, that you feel so empty. I know what it feels like to have to act and paint on a colorful mask, when all you feel is darkness and emptiness. I still do understand. I know how it feels like to feel like nobody is on your side, to feel like the world is ending, to be afraid of happiness and to have everybody sugar coating you when they dont even understand what is wrong.
I know, and I've been through that.
You've been through that, and you survived. So now stay strong, breathe deep, and trust in yourself that you'll survive one more time.
You are not alone, you have me- you have your strong soul. You may have concealed yourself from the world, but I'll be here for you, and you know I will never leave you.
Don't hurt anyone, you yourself included. One day, you'll look back, and realise this is just another trivial chapter. Don't be afraid of loneliness. Some days, definitely, you will feel like there's nobody for you, nobody is with you. You will feel as if you lost everything and you will feel so empty and you will feel like crying so badly. It is ok. It will happen. Don't worry this is not the end. Just get some sleep, and it'll be a brand new day. You can draw, you can sing. You can dance your night away, because you have me, your strong companion. I have left you with many windows-- or should i say, I have created your story perfectly, leaving you with many windows. You will never be trapped, but probably would just need some time to cleanse your sobbing eyes, in order to see those windows. Don't worry, it will all turn out fine. Trust me.
I know it is really hard for you to voice out your thoughts, it's really hard for you to tell anybody what you really know, what you really feel. You've never had the real feeling of peace with anybody, and that's perfectly alright. You know so much, you see so much, and you hear so much, so much that you have been bombarded with the ugly sides of everybody-the greed, the fear, the jealousy. All those things that others can't see. I know it is tough on you, to have to bottle all of these up. Sometimes you do wish that someone else sees these too right? You do wish you were not so sensitive and don't pick up these signals so fast right? You do wish to stop acting like you know nothing, but share the ugliness of them too right? And definitely, you would want to just throw your morals away and be like them, taking the ugly way out too right? I understand, I really do. But do remember, you are so special, so strong, that you have been tasked to exhibit such self discipline. These visions will protect you from them. Others may not believe you when you try to share what you know, but trust me, one day they would appreciate you. You are really nice, you are really great. They can say all they want but deep down, you know you are not wrong, and that's all that matters.
Always remember, karma would find his way.
So remember strong girl, you'll survive. Conceal, stay strong.
