i used to think oh how cool i am
so nonchalant so unbothered
i never shed a tear when you left
and i wondered why people were so sentimental
afterall, they barely knew you - the real you
oh but what a fool i was
i ended up being the joke
i never felt it because i was too naive to understand
how long you would be away for
how forever really meant a life time
how death meant never hearing from you again
how it meant the memories of you would no longer increase
and how it meant that the number of pictures we have of you would remain in 2017
i guess it’s slowly starting to hit me now
only when the world has started moving on
but you know what
we’ve never forgotten you
i would like to think that you have found your peace
i would like to think you’ve escaped from darkness
yet again
maybe that’s what we all want to think - just so we feel better
just like how we wanted to believe you were truly happy when you were still here
what if the pain never left you
what if you are still hurting
would we have rather you stayed with us?
sometimes i wonder - did you want to be saved?
then i realise - why am i assuming staying is an act of salvation
it would be for me, for us. but that would require you to be selfless
you know we miss you, we really do
i hope that you’ve felt true happiness at least once
i hope you are happy now
but i hope all this is a dream
i can’t say i understand you, nor can i say i would have been able to understand you
but i wonder if you felt like this too?
just sadness
emptiness
and fear
of happiness
if you knew you will only be here for 27 years
would you have done anything differently?
im 27 now - and i wonder if this is how you felt
so what if i tell people i am sad - what would that change
and why am i even sad?
i wonder too.
forever is really such a long time
so long that no amount of time can dampen it
so long that there is no hope i can hold on to
forever is really so long
and unfortunately,
you are gone - forever.
i love you jjong, i respect you as an artist, human, and thank you.
