light

who am i without this light

will i still be alright

as i stand alone gazing into the night

when will i win this fight

gain the strength and might

to shine bright

why is everything dark

why do you make it sound easy

why does everyone tell me it will past

what am i suppose to wait for

for a future that i dont see future in

do you understand how i feel

how this dark engulfs me

it repels light

its like happiness surounds me

but im unable to feel it

im unable to touch it

i see the brightness

you shining in into me - it blinds me

my hands are up - i can't wait to embrace the warmth

but the closer i get

the more it burns me

reminding me that i'm not worthy of light

do you understand how cold it is here

take it easy - it will come to you

how can you make it sound so easy

tell me i've done enough 

tell me i've tried hard

but i know - as my breath stiffens

in this chilling world

how would you even know

i could have been better

who am i without this light

i will be alright

just like how i am tonight

except 

alright just meant i cried

alright just meant i sighed

as usual

alright is just so you feel right

just so you dont feel the need to comfort me anymore

just so i dont burden anyone anymore

with me feeling nothing close to alright

tell me again

if there is a god in this world

do you feel lonely too

do you feel me

as you watch us - what goes on in your mind

is it better to not feel

or feel so much that it doesnt feel like anything anymore

is it better to find peace

or be at peace with what i am now

is it better to be an empty soul

or be so overwhelmed with sorrows it kills

once again

who am i without this light

the only hope and sight

to keep me from falling from this height

the faint hint of hope that it will guide

me to somewhere where i'll be happy

somewhere.

where i can finally exist with the light.

poet | artist

i used to think oh how cool i am

so nonchalant so unbothered 

i never shed a tear when you left

and i wondered why people were so sentimental

afterall, they barely knew you - the real you

oh but what a fool i was

i ended up being the joke

i never felt it because i was too naive to understand 

how long you would be away for

how forever really meant a life time

how death meant never hearing from you again

how it meant the memories of you would no longer increase

and how it meant that the number of pictures we have of you would remain in 2017

i guess it’s slowly starting to hit me now

only when the world has started moving on

but you know what

we’ve never forgotten you

i would like to think that you have found your peace

i would like to think you’ve escaped from darkness

yet again

maybe that’s what we all want to think - just so we feel better

just like how we wanted to believe you were truly happy when you were still here

what if the pain never left you

what if you are still hurting 

would we have rather you stayed with us?

sometimes i wonder - did you want to be saved?

then i realise - why am i assuming staying is an act of salvation 

it would be for me, for us. but that would require you to be  selfless 

you know we miss you, we really do

i hope that you’ve felt true happiness at least once

i hope you are happy now

but i hope all this is a dream

i can’t say i understand you, nor can i say i would have been able to understand you

but i wonder if you felt like this too?

just sadness

emptiness 

and fear

of happiness

if you knew you will only be here for 27 years

would you have done anything differently?

im 27 now - and i wonder if this is how you felt

so what if i tell people i am sad - what would that change

and why am i even sad? 

i wonder too.

forever is really such a long time

so long that no amount of time can dampen it

so long that there is no hope i can hold on to 

forever is really so long

and unfortunately,

you are gone - forever.

i love you jjong, i respect you as an artist, human, and thank you. 

my wish at 26; still you

it’s my 26th birthday

close to 10 years of knowing you

close to 8 years without you

today as usual

i pray that you’ll text again

wish me happy birthday

that would be my best present

having you in the present 

i pray earnestly in my shower

with a hint of excitement and embarrassment 

i whispered your name in the last of my 3 wishes

those 5 letters

so foreign yet they never left me

as the clock strike 12

i wait patiently 

my hope slowly dwindles with every minute

you saw my post my update

but you didn’t wish me

there we go again

another year

i’ll wait another 365 days

and make the same wish again

maybe

just maybe

one day it will come true 

how have you been?

my first

and only 

love

To You, At 25

To You, At 25

Isn’t she flourishing 
living the dreams she once carried,
chasing what once felt so distant,
seeking her place, her constant?

Wherever she may be,
she has persevered with grace,
gone to great lengths,
weathering her storms on the open sea.

Life at mid twenty—  
so far away, yet so near.  
suspended between the echoes of youth  
and the promises of future you  

We are finding our footing,  
empowered by each other's rooting

Will we eventually find it?

Almost half our lives, together.  
The first five were seamless, entwined like the ticking of a clock.  
We saw each other in every heartbeat, our trust as solid as rock
The next five years, we scattered into our dreams,  
busy, yes, but we fought to stay as a team  
And though I wished for more,  
I am grateful we nurtured this bond and soared

In the future five,  
we will be adults,  
living the lives we once only dreamt.  
I hope, wherever you are,  
we are still together—in spirit, in laughter, in tears.  
Don’t you agree?  
Friendship takes tending,  
but we both know it’s worth defending.

Ten years have passed since the start,  
and five more before we reach thirty
But in the grand stretch of time,  
we have so many more years to create,  
so many more chapters to write.

A little wiser, more mature,  
discussing life instead of homework.  
Yet, even now, we still look back,  
the laughter, the dreams,  
hopefully, we never lose our beam.

Here’s to another ten, and beyond.  
To us, always.  

25

she who just started living

yet a bulk of memories and regret trails

she who barely learned to breathe

yet now breathless from adulthood’s grills

she who just managed to wriggle her fingers

yet now losing everything through her grip

she who sighs at her trickling past

or maybe from the future’s anxious trip

but may she remember

while time may rust iron

 time will also make diamond

after all how would you know high

if you’ve never experienced low?

she can only flourish from here,

and she definitely will, as we know.

she, so genuine, loyal, and beautiful

may she be always happy and at peace

happy 25, where your story truly starts

may your joy and wisdom never cease

my first june

i pray you find this one day

that you were searching up my name like i do for you

that you were wondering how i am

that you slept thinking about our what ifs

and that you dreamt the same heart wrenching scene 

we were 18 when i called it off 

this would keep me insane for the next 7 years

and going 

leaving you then is my biggest regret 

i searched high and low for your replicate,

but nobody could replace your presence 

i miss you

yet i know i don’t deserve you 

you are never coming back, 

and i religiously pray everyday to see you again

you said you forgave me,

then could we start over again?

i wish you find this letter 

and know how much i really want you back

7 times i wished you happy birthday in silence 

on the first sunshine in june 

7 times i celebrated our anniversary in sadness

on the 18th of january 

and many more times to come, i wish you could stop this

if i could turn back time 

i will go back to that day and show myself

how much that terrible decision will cost 

away with the dove

for who comes next 
will always be 
in your shadows
just another he

in his eyes i source your glow
in his touch i seek your warmth
if you returned would i go?
i might actually opt for the fourth

they say people seek similarity
but you defined familiarity
though i am starting to think
maybe we weren’t that much of a thing

how could i ever forget 
you were my first upset
farewell what i knew as love
our memories shall fly with the dove

i promise to treat him 
the way you did for me
for he brings a brand new gleam
somewhere im thankful to be