heaven

Its a whirlpool of emotion, 

a whirlpool of thoughts.

I'm back to that same old junction,

where it's honeymoon now,

but soon i will be a bitter fool.

Feels like i'm back to the start of the year,

full of tingle and cheer.

But time has told me,

a heartbreaking story repeated so many times this year.

I can no longer trust that you are different, but i will pray,

pray hard that you will differ.

An angel you are, don't change my dear.

At least, don't change without a reason,

for i'll be trying hard this season.

Still, i thank god for your existence.

I never imagined this will happen,

and i'm so blessed, with this temporary heaven.

don't want to grow up

growing up,
they ask, what's hard?

what's hard?
It's just rolling around in the grass,
enjoying the sun, the breeze.

what's hard?
when they didn't know that the grass's
full of quicksand.

when they didn't know,
that the sun's burning hot,
melting me.

when they didn't know that,
the breeze they were talking about,
was making me really nauseous just like a tornado.

Memories; Reminders

You know how every moment is documented into a book. You thought you got over that incident but actually you only closed that one chapter. Sometimes, some day, when you turn and flip back, be it by accident or on purpose, the feelings linger in the air and it seems as though you are experiencing it again. It is not a bad thing, you learn, you breathe, you grow. But some day as you sit back and ponder about how to continue walking, you would realize how much you have been through, and how much they have shaped you.
You may regret, or you may be relieved. Be relieved that you ended the chapter there, or regret not adding in a twist. But in the end, those chapters have been closed and made up a chunk of your life story.
I was looking back, just casually scrolling back all my screenshots, and yes. Part of me was really glad i saved these memories, for it was the essence of that particular chapter. The other part of me cringed hard at how naive I was. I pondered if I really grew from it, or am I still as naive, and probably a few months later I would look back on today and laugh again.
You will not realize how crazy everything is when you're experiencing it. I only realized everything now. Today, I'm really glad the me few months ago decided to close that chapter.
I may still feel a surge of emotions when those memories are triggered, but I am so much stronger now. I am so glad for all those memories, that got written and added into my interesting book. I'm thankful for every moments. I cannot guarantee I will remember all of them, or if I would even flip back to that chapter, but I know it has made me grown in a way. Made me more mature, made me stronger, made me experienced more.

Now, I feel like the tides have totally changed. I hope nobody would be hurt by me, nobody would cry. The shield I've built is sturdy and strong, so nobody can break through easily. I meant for it to be that way. I believe right now, it's the chapter of self-healing, of self-love, and self-appreciation. This is my chapter of finding my inner self, my inner peace, and my inner voice. Soon, when the time is right, a new chapter would begin, and many more awaits me.
I just want to put a reminder, that you are not alone. For any readers, most probably to my future self, no matter what you are experiencing, you are not alone. I've felt loneliness in my previous chapter. I know the feeling. It's so cold, that you feel so empty. I know what it feels like to have to act and paint on a colorful mask, when all you feel is darkness and emptiness. I still do understand. I know how it feels like to feel like nobody is on your side, to feel like the world is ending, to be afraid of happiness and to have everybody sugar coating you when they dont even understand what is wrong.
I know, and I've been through that.
You've been through that, and you survived. So now stay strong, breathe deep, and trust in yourself that you'll survive one more time.
You are not alone, you have me- you have your strong soul. You may have concealed yourself from the world, but I'll be here for you, and you know I will never leave you.

Don't hurt anyone, you yourself included. One day, you'll look back, and realise this is just another trivial chapter. Don't be afraid of loneliness. Some days, definitely, you will feel like there's nobody for you, nobody is with you. You will feel as if you lost everything and you will feel so empty and you will feel like crying so badly. It is ok. It will happen. Don't worry this is not the end. Just get some sleep, and it'll be a brand new day. You can draw, you can sing. You can dance your night away, because you have me, your strong companion. I have left you with many windows-- or should i say, I have created your story perfectly, leaving you with many windows. You will never be trapped, but probably would just need some time to cleanse your sobbing eyes, in order to see those windows. Don't worry, it will all turn out fine. Trust me.

I know it is really hard for you to voice out your thoughts, it's really hard for you to tell anybody what you really know, what you really feel. You've never had the real feeling of peace with anybody, and that's perfectly alright. You know so much, you see so much, and you hear so much, so much that you have been bombarded with the ugly sides of everybody-the greed, the fear, the jealousy. All those things that others can't see. I know it is tough on you, to have to bottle all of these up. Sometimes you do wish that someone else sees these too right? You do wish you were not so sensitive and don't pick up these signals so fast right? You do wish to stop acting like you know nothing, but share the ugliness of them too right? And definitely, you would want to just throw your morals away and be like them, taking the ugly way out too right?  I understand, I really do. But do remember, you are so special, so strong, that you have been tasked to exhibit such self discipline. These visions will protect you from them. Others may not believe you when you try to share what you know, but trust me, one day they would appreciate you. You are really nice, you are really great. They can say all they want but deep down, you know you are not wrong, and that's all that matters.
Always remember, karma would find his way.

So remember strong girl, you'll survive. Conceal, stay strong.

Closing chapter

Told myself to stop,
Said it once and then twice.
Not sure if it's the thrice,  but hey it hurts once again.
Let's run, soul let's run. We'll escape and hide. You'll get over this,  just like you did before. It's just another round of shutting off, and another game of jealousy. You'll find the right dimension,soon, and I'm sure you will be relieved that you closed the chapter here.

Darkness

Writings, they sort out my thinking and lets me see the world in a clearer light.

I can never show this darker side of me verbally, or in person.

It just doesn't work out, and I can never bear to show this side of me.

Occasionally, as I zone off or when my brain runs off to have some quiet time, these scary dark thoughts invade me.

I think about how fake people are, I think about how scary politics are in my class. I think of how judgmental people are, and then, I think of how am I going to survive.

The world, is colorful. It bursts with life, and brightness. Yet you can't deny that darkness is everywhere. It is exactly this darkness that emphasizes the color. Probably it's just me, who sees these inner darkness, much more than what others see. This really suffocates me, because there's nobody to share with. I can't possibly infest other people's color with my own darkness, yet it is just too much for me to handle alone.

I am tired, really really tired. I admit, I am weak. I am not the optimist I paint myself to be, and I myself don't even know who am I. 

I haven't been able to look into my paintings, to see what exactly is in my heart. It's probably exactly so, that when these unknown voices speak within me, I get really confused, and I am unable to respond to these closest souls of mine.

Teach me

I wish people had trailers,
I wish people were what they first appear to be.

They told me it's fine, they told me it was okay.
They told me to let go and I'll be safe.

I did, and sure it did feel good.
But today, is just an exception.
I'm lonely, just like my empty soul.
I miss you, I crave your presence.

I know, I should never turn back,
And I am trying to.

Everything is crashing down, and all the burdens are snowballing,
just like how black engulfs white,
my mind is in a mess.

Teach me, how do I untangle these knots.
Teach me, how do I see things in a brighter light?

Teach me, most importantly,
how to survive.

i'm worth much more

Don't turn back
Not everyone is worth another chance.
Just recall,
recall how you felt,
how you were treated,
how you know you deserve better.

If one's not making the effort,
One's not worth your effort too.

Remember this forever,
you're worth much more

Dead

Breathing never meant you were alive.
Laughing never meant you were happy.

It's as if we were the living dead, seemingly alive,but the battery's flat.

Probably I'm solar powered, locomotive and vibrant just like any metal can.

She bursts with life but her soul is nowhere.
Just like my eyes, it's ghouly blank.

Black

At 7 years old,
I wandered around in gold.
The world is beautiful,
I was fooled.

At 16 years old,
I wondered, where would I go?
Time crept past and life went on.

Just a year later,
I ponder, day and night,
What am I doing with life.
I lost my gold,
And everything pastel turned ghoul.

Demons no longer hid under my bed,
But rather, those triple sixes formed above my head.
I became the darkness I always feared,while everyone else, with their black that painted me jeered.

.

Hey there.
Let me tell you a secret.
I ain't that joyous as I portray myself to be.
I draw myself with rainbows,
 but if you stand close enough, you'll see those scratches.

I ain't perfect, ain't pretty.
So if you decide to get close to me,
Don't expect anything.
I can't shower you with positivity,
But I never said I wouldn't try.

I hope you'll embrace me,
For all my flaws and weaknesses.

If not, please don't come near me.

Hello

Hello.
Need some reminder again?

I'm always here,
Just so you wouldn't forget.

How's life?
Terrible again?

People blaming you for everything,
and making you feel bad.

Them leaving you,
making you feel abandoned again.

Are you tired?
Tired of running this never ending race.

The race against yesterday,
jumping over hurdles just so you'll reach the sky.

But there really seems to be no end.
And here I am,
really suffocated and dead.

What do you want from me?
What am I supposed to do?
Why are you leaving me?
I ask,
once again.

again

I've tried,
tried keeping myself busy.

I've tried,
even tried privating it.

But those numbers,
they lure me back,
back to check if you missed me.

Does your clock turn anti-clockwise?
Or are you really that heartless,
to ignore me.

Now what's scary isn't that skytick,
but rather,
those numbers that prove
you don't want me.

Sorry

Hey there,
Its me.

Bet you're already tired,
Of all the bullshit I've dragged you in.

How glad could you be,
When you saw I wasn't free.

Freedom, it'll soon be back to we.
I'll leave,
Slowly but surely.

Just give me a little bit more time,
And you'll be finally free,
From me.

bliss

They asked me
are you fine.
I said yes.

They asked me
what's wrong.
I said nothing.

Then I wonder,
why do I exist.

It ain't that complicated,
I just need love.
I'm not unreasonable,
I'm just petrified.

When you held me,
when you leaned,
I felt at bliss.

But soon,
I wouldn't feel at ease.
What if,
what if.

I hope you'll understand,
even just a tiny bit.
And one day,
maybe you'll comfort me
as you hold me in your arms,
'I'm here, I'll always be.'

why

At times,
I'll like to believe,
that I'm genuinely happy,
as I laugh and shout,
just like the past me.

But soon, as they dispersed,
I'll start thinking.
As the day turns to night,
and my mind floods with everything,
the grin turns 180 degree.

I ask myself why,
why are you crying.
But even so,
I couldn't reply.
For it's not something,
but everything.

As I lay weeping,
thinking of all the things
I wanted to say and ask you,
all the things I could never admit,
and the delusional me,

I start to fear happiness,
and longed for sleep.
Not solely because I was tired physically and emotionally,
But more so,
for serenity.

I'll tell you

What if I told you,
that you aren't in love.

What if I told you,
that you had no chance.

What if I told you,
that you aren't getting happier,
but just got better at hiding sadness.

What if I told you,
that no matter how much you gave him,
you'll still be an option.

Then again,
What if I reminded you,
that you were just in love,
not with him,
but with the idea of being in love.

So I'll tell you again,
and again,
till you are sober from this trap.
that
the person who hurts you,
is the one who swore they never would.

And you're pretty funny,
because for that split second,
you actually thought
you had a chance.

i love you

it's okay. We are all battling.

You'll miss,
miss those carefree days,
happy times where trouble didn't exist.

You'll miss,
miss staying gold,
heckcare them feelings.

You'll wish,
Wish it never started,
Wish you never had to hurt them, and weep.

Probably,
You'll even want to stop.
End school, end work, end everything

But you know,
you'll grow, you'll survive,
As long as you pull through this.

So stay strong everybody,
We are all battling in this.

hollow

After all that thinking, no
no, don't go,
don't leave me.

Though it'll ache when you talk about her,
though it'll hurt when I see you with her,
though I know why you couldn't meet me,
it's all because of her,
no, don't go, don't leave.

I'll enjoy that temporary bliss,
pretend I don't know anything

I'll be delusional,
thinking I'm that special one and only

I'll hurt myself slowly,
kill myself over this invisible toxic,
but
no, don't go, don't leave.

It'll ruin me when I know I'm attended to the last,
It'll collapse when I wait for your reply,
but I would do it.

Just don't go, don't leave.
I can't bear to be emotionally
empty,

weep

Stop going all crazy,
when you are not even his.

Stop going all jealous,
when you are just in the side list

It ain't worth it,
for someone like him
yes I know it

But how much I ached when he said he would leave
that
made me rethink

I hesitated,
didn't want to get hurt.

but
my heart, it's taken,
by you
I can't be with

All I want is,
for you to make a choice.
Me, or no me,
Stop letting me hang around,
like that old gum tree

Don't be selfish,
just let me be.
Don't comfort me,
I won't bleed

Heartache just makes me weep.

mystery

He's a mystery, someone I never thought I'll want to be with.
He's a different person, depending on when you see him.
He makes you feel like a princess, his one and only.
That's sadly before you see how he treats his other cuties.
And then you'll realize,
you were merely just another one he's playing with.

I'll say indecisive, that is him.
He cares, he knows, and he leans.
But god knows how many others he goes to
He's a mystery, one that I'm too tired to free.

His games makes you feel hot and cold,
makes you regret and ache.
then he leaves you wondering why even,
when you are nothing to him.

I don't have all day to play,
I don't have all day to spend.
I don't have all day to go crazy.

So stop.
Stop infesting my mind, stop burning my soul.
Just go if you never wanted me, not even a little wee

I'll cry, I'll wail, I'll ache
But all that's better than getting torn unknowingly

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'Please don't come closer.. unless you plan to stay.' 

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