best turned worst

i guess after all,
life's unpredictable, decision's unbelievable

from what i thought would be my best,
turned out to be the sword.

and worst is when you, my dearest,
is the killer.

how stupid can you get?
or how ignorant, i would say,
can you be?

i guess the disappointment is bigger,
when you've put so high hopes in it.
What they say: Murphy's law.
anything that can go wrong will go wrong.

And what I say: expectations.
the more I expect, the worst it'll get.
tried and tested, never once failed.

affected, i must say.
I am very much affected.
regret, denial,
but saddest would be the reject i'll face.

i guess, this is life.
in this vibrant, bursting, bustling city,
all of those, a facade if accompanied by a blank brain.

oh, sadly, yours truly here has the hollowest brain.
one that contains air rather than veins.
what they call?
airhead.
what i call?
doomed, useless, for life.

tick tock

stress beyond me,
i thought i could handle this.

guess not,
i said to myself,
as my knees crumble down and sink

so many things making me afraid,
the uncertainties and time's ticking

tick tock tick tock
there goes another second,
then minute.

i said im rushing against time,
in this marathon that's almost ending.
but what am i doing here, stopping and panting.

what's happening?
did i lose it, or was it never there to start with.
the zest, the burst,
probably never once felt it.

one week left, that the last lap,
but why do i feel like im going left,
out of my dream.

never gonna reach it i guess,
i said again,
as i wallow in drinks.

time's ticking again,
i mean it never once stopped,
did it?

tick tock tick tock
there it goes,
telling me i lost another second, and inch.

the sky's crying,
probably not for me,
but from laughing at me.

how pathetic this girl,
thinking she's there,
but she'll never get it.

failure for life,
or should i say,
the luck's failing me.

18 years of luck,
thankyou for the service,
i guess there isn't any renewing.

there there,
now let's turn back into the books
you've had enough of this writing

tick tock tick tock
it never pauses,
and there goes another grade bading.

pathetic

pathetic;
not because i am, but rather because i feel.
i feel a surge of emotions and its not like i can control it.

like electric currents in my body that cant find the outlet,
the emotions circles my body,
wraps around me,
and suffocates me.

rather than feeling sad, i feel scared.
the uncertain future, the impending danger.

the jealousy that people are coping well, coping better,
and the envy i have for those who rests.

the disappointment i feel, as i become a second choice,
not only to others, but especially my soul.
the bitterness i feel, as i know all are just empty words, and nobody genuinely meant any of it.

the tiredness that is in my bone,
that engulfs me anytime, even now, at this very moment.

the doubt i have for myself, or rather, the certainty that i am useless.
i'm sorry, for all.
i'm sorry i am not strong, sorry i'm so vulnerable.
i'm sorry that i feel so apologetic but never once properly apologized
i'm sorry... that...
i'm just sorry for everything. too much a coward to leave,  but not tough enough to stay.

and thankyou...

旁观者

not born to be silent,

but taught

spectators of the act,

victims when acting it

it's the price to pay to get the money piling

big city, bills, basic

all dem b but bill's just another ringleader

move along, muzzle

talking to the moon, that's what you mute kids do best

aspirin's earning big bucks,

the bills they swimming in,

coming from the sweat drowning me 

happening as i desperately inch to be independent

coincidentally a synonym for inhaling the pills 

we're all just bystanders,

digging our graves as we gaze 

born with eyes, but rather not see

born with mouths, but rather not utter

as long as we're not the victims,

it's alright.

we're just spectators, we'll clap, give our support and leave.

as long as we're not the ones fooled in the circus.

except,

my condolences, we are.

what comes around goes around.

Doće maca na vratanca

lost child

lost child
where i am from,
anxiety run through my veins
it's what keep me running
keep me high on adrenaline

some call it pain
we call it sweet agony

good lord help me
go wherever, however you want it

show me the plan
i vouch i'll be a victor

aspirin, my bystander
let's be happy
that's what that homie breathed
yet what he call soul
is just my broken mind that cant relate

high on trepidation,
double x, xy, no xyz
that's the feels of the wights

genuine tranquility,
quand les poules auront des dents

reflect

I give up. 

No matter what I do, or what I say, 

it will always sound threatening to you. 

I can never ever please you, 

be it telling you the truth,or lies. 

You claim that I'm hiding my emotions, but you never once realized that every time I pour it out, you don't listen. 

All you ever do is criticize, and add on to my problems. 

Don't envy people, I'd say,

for you get what you deserve. 

You probably forgot to cherish what's before you,

so you feel darkness engulfing you.

Well, that's too bad then, 

continue being sensitive, 

Or should I say- insensitive to what you are causing,

before you realize I never meant things the way you thought,

and it was just you, who manipulated everything.

let me free

How long more are you going to keep me captive,
How long more are you going to numb my wings?

How long more then are you willing,
to let this growing bird free?

She begs all day, just so you'll give her liberty.
Yet you, for whatever reason decides to cut off this wish.

That's not all, and you blame her for being heartless and selfish.
Now think, who's the one at fault?
Isn't it you, the one who never let me free?

reckless

it came true,
it happened.

i feel weird, like i've just committed a sin.
it was sweet,
i was loved.

but it felt reckless,
and foolish.

what if i regret?
or am i already regretting?

what if it's me this time,
who runs away irresponsibly?

what if, i become the demons i hated so much?
right now, i fear, for im starting to understand the devils' heart.

dilemma;

it's a new year, 2017, and here comes more decisions. To give up, or not? 

Weighing the pros and cons, it all comes down to the same conclusion. To follow the heart, or the mind?

What's really making want to quit? I ask myself earnestly. And it seems like the only answer is fear. 

Fear; is actually what's encouraging me. I'm afraid of the stress, afraid of getting scolded, afraid of being a burden, afraid that it would be my excuse to not do.

Then what's keeping me in there? My passion? Or is it just my pride? I'm not sure, really.

When life gets tough,

don't you wish you didn't have that many choices?

But let's smile,

let's be thankful.

Trust yourself,

for most likely you have made up your mind,

but is just too afraid to execute it.

Don't fear.

You may regret, 

but even if you do, 

always remember that you tried your best.

You thought through it, 

and sometimes, it's just meant to be that way.

Always remember, that no matter what happens,

you are here for yourself.

You will persevere,

and make the best out of your choice.

It's tiring, but one day, you'll be thankful for yourself.

Let's just try it, shall we?

Listen to our heart, follow our passion.

Warning, it will be tough.

Really tough, actually.

But we'll do it.

Everyday, let's make it a point to smile,

We'll cry in the shower,

and the next day would be a brand new day.

If it gets too tough, 

try not to regret.

Try your best,

to survive.