he who engulfs me

 just one more, this is the last

oh how often i've heard him laugh

i fall into the dark hole

everyday as i try to crawl

today shall be a fresh start

he just listens with a smug

once again i fail

and the cycle repeats and start

in agony i indulge

but i forget soon after

the momentum rides on

and i can never stop

binge eating became my comfort

from the judgments 

i wasn't worthy anymore

now that i've lost self-control

where have you gone

i can't remember anymore

how did i look

how proud i've once made you

in time to come

i pray i'll recover

because i'm tired

so tired of living

any longer

dull

tonight, i am tired to even write
the lights, they are blurry yet bright
can i return to where i was
where i didn’t need to hide

will i ever return

or will i yearn the same down the road

truth is, i am angry 

the world gave me so much

yet greed engulfs me

what happens when we lose joy?

wishing becomes pointless, 

laughter becomes sinister 

through my lens, i judge the world

silence becomes normal

blankly looking into the horizon; 

all we see is dullness

just one more day, 

that’s what we always say

time passes and becomes everyday 

when i leave, know that i am always grateful

why didn’t i show when i lived?

i don’t know

me at 21 was still struggling

the world seemed smaller

she looked bigger

stronger, they say 

but really, her walls just moved closer

she no longer anticipated

she no longer explored

just when others are living their best

she withered

her youth just started and it was over

“things will be better”

i can’t wait for all these to be over.

reminder

where are you
quietly you left 
with every breath
you faded with time
left me with no chance 
to say a goodbye

is the world to blame
they say people change
but the world; still a hurricane
maybe my threshold rose
and hurried you to wane

what is this about?
not merely just a smile
but what it represents
long ago they asked 
what i wanted to be 
should have answered 'happy'

doesn't it scare you 
how time engulfs you
the more you live and see
the more you wish you didn't

oh the irony
i used to wish i never grew
so that i could be free and loose
well i still do
only now because 
i can't bear to imagine
how much more of you 
i'll lose

so here i shall remind you
smile more, capture more
for down the road you will see
you wouldn't do it anymore

why do you breathe

if we could see death on him
would we be more empathetic?
where then, is the lost pity 
for seeing the pit in me

if we inhaled to live,
what then, is motivating you to breathe
would we find the reason
if we tried hard enough to live

if memories were the past
would that mean you'll soon pass?
where then, are those evocations stored
fleeting and superficial, pure perfunctory 

if only these thoughts never came
if my words strung into poems
the poet wished she never wrote
ignorance - a bliss that must be cherished

if we came as the party's highlight 
why do we leave silently, the door closed behind 
is it to keep the joy going on
or because we never belonged

if i could plead,
could you promise to leave with me
the party is a facade without you
and anywhere is joyous with you

if depression is the diagnosis 
then loneliness is the pathogen that cripples the fearful
what then is the remedy 
or is there even any?

now wonder, why do you even breathe?

thoughts

like undone assignments
or volcanoes that are dormant
like those party poopers
a madman that only knows brutal

whole map of clustered mess
who expects nothing but the best
filled with sighs with no rest
a soul staring without zest

fatigue surrounds her shell
despite the eyes closing out hell
tonight she holds her breath
'had to check if this was real death'

for everyday felt like death

anxiety;

eye closed, it feels acidic
can't wait to finally cry
is she still alive
will he ever come back

what's wrong
the same old shell,
yet this time she's filled to the brim
with tornado, a hurricane in her brain

flap above the water,
but the game has yet ended
tangled ropes between her feets
thoughts that hurt her heart at 3am

all these weights on her wings
insecure winds wear her down
she's blown into the uncertain future
no one has to know, she'll deal with it on her own

it gulps her alive
couldn't they be merciful, at least kill her first
tonight she dies again
so often, it's almost like returning home

only the irony is she's always homed
no worries, fix it up and home works again
hopefully, she reaches her destination
before tape runs out

and again, her eyes closed
she blinks, waiting for light to bleed in
but at least for tonight
she manages to convince herself that all's fine

am

the past few days
she ruminates
why can't you just
reciprocate

but it dawned on her
the real question was
why can't she just
let go of the hate

give yourself a break
why would you go high
for someone who won't
ever do the same

she lets go a tad more today

a painting

under the moon we sat

feets dangling off the ledge

hands gently on the rock 

hearts deeply interlocked

peaceful large waves crashed afar

with wind humming under the star

a soft hymn of adoration

to such ethereal creation 

embraced in milky way

warmth swept them off the bay

lost in your twinkling gaze

a voluntary maze

when tonights' blue end at midnight

calamity shall come to strike

for one of them made a pact 

to exchange time with the wreck

those eyes glisten in the rain

now they stay in memory lane

mine stares out of the windowpane

searching for a glimpse of your frame

scoundrel

how can someone
smile so innocently, speak so beautifully
say he'll bend all lights for me
yet repeat the same words
to everybody

how can someone
say i'm everything,
lie that he'll come to me
these words he says without
once batting his eyelids

how can someone
act so pitifully
that i can't let him go
when all i can feel is
indignance, depression
your proud exhibition

how can someone
sleep peacefully at night,
wake up like its all fine
but the night before said
i love you goodnight to
two girls at the same time

how can someone
romanticize fully,
cry the tears from the stars
don't you know that the moon
they are scowling at you
watching how a scoundrel
speaks his way to my heart

yet, how could i
fall so dumbly for you
when i knew you're trouble
when i deserve better

how could i
joined as your accomplice,
made myself a tribute
to hover round your land
just so i get some peace

your land was never dark
all you did was trick us
you made me think it's grey
'you are my colored ray'
both of us heard you say

1200

how do i feel emptier
sadder, worthless, lost and broke
than before i saw your eyes

you keep pulling on my leash
tell me you love me, miss me
effortless words take no time

ever thought, how does it feel
to wait for someone all night
to jump with joy at your text

those same words i say to you
miss you, love you, i mean it
yet yours sound cold, predicted

my feet are dangling in air
could you at least give me space
my last straw of dignity

won't you do me a favor
kill me quick and clean, bare-hand
you lured me so you'll end me

after a long night i'll say
stay, just for one more midnight
but every night is long

i didnt give any fucks
i used to be confident
now im begging, what happened

all the boys must be laughing
what a karma you lil' bitch
what goes around comes around

Cinderella

for the last time
the clock chimed twelve
will you miss me
just like i will

cinderella
dropped her slippers
but the glass shoe
shall remain there

see you again
by the Ganges
and once again
on the shore of
a darker stream

a dream i never want to wake up from

embarked on a trip

one that is a dream

fantasies shatter

yet my palms clutch tight 

day and night I pray 

last night never came

so that i can see

those puppy eyes again

it was a cold night

warmly we huddled tight 

your lips they are soft

perfectly fitting mine

if I had power

I’ll choose to stop time

halt in that moment

the rain, car and night

was it a mistake 

a sweet death i guess 

gassed my neck and throat

first with joy then sob

oh and those fingers

tangled like my heart

i wish they were mine

to hold and to bite

futile hopes and tears

no pity given 

that is what you get

being the nightmare

of their universe

in another one

could we meet again

our signs shall align 

the stars; dazzling bright

whisper in your ears

oh boy i love you

in another time

promise me by then

you will wait for me; 

our happy ending 

the chapter was short

the epilogue’s sad

but I have to go;

the dream got to end

thank god for replay,

this scene shall not fade 

and for showing me

that i can fall in

so hard and so deep

few last words for you,

i never lied that day

my heart did flutter 

I’m so glad we met 

forbidden;

i swore i'll never get back,
that the third time's the final bet
im dunked into the worst kind of net
one that is forbidden and bad

it will really be the last,
or at least that's what i convince myself
i said that as i hide behind this mask

why do i never get what i want,
all my yearns that i hunt
flashes across me and only haunts

yet all that i despise
like condiments they arise
exhausted i am to comply

my dear prince charming
oh the power you are wielding
only you can make me
shield your darkened land in the waiting

yet strings entangle you
just like the wind blew
i met you with your own troop,
one i selfishly hope will lose

dear god, put a stop to these
give me the strength to halt it
why would i put myself in agony,
one that is a real tragedy?

well, but we all know the final scene
i'll soon convince myself
that an attempt will still be worth it

workholic;

day and day i bury myself 

just a bit more, we will be well

like a treadmill, what a hell

i see no end, let's drown ourselves

listen, can you hear the bustles

no, because you are in the hustle

oh it's morning again 

adrenaline begins

raise your voices

alcohol, curb them noises

it's burning low, 

don't let me go

turn back, stop the bleeding

hand's out, will you keep leaving

the moon's here to depart with your lies

and all the swallowed cries

what an expensive fate

paying for it with my hate

or shall i say it's all a bait

for me to fill up the ocean

with my emotion